Every now and then I’ll feel ok about all of this, like I’m actually coping. But I think it’s only because part of me still thinks this is just a month long underway or something. Once I notice I’m feeling calm about it all, I start thinking about just how long this is going to be and I want to fall apart.

I honestly do not understand how this could ever get easier or how I could ever not actively feel consumed by missing him. But I know that realistically, I will eventually get used to it and missing him won’t be so sharp and painful, but more like a dull ache. I think it’s going to be weird after he gets back, because it will be like all of this heartache never happened. I fully expect to look back on this time and have it feel completely foreign and surreal to me.

In my head, I’m trying to divide the time into 10 week chunks because then each segment is 25% of the total deployment. Hopefully the deployment won’t actually be 40 weeks, but I figure it’s better to expect it to be longer than shorter. I think once I get past this first 10 week period, I’ll be a little better. By the time the 2nd segment starts, school will have started so I’ll have that to keep me busy. The 3rd segment will probably be a little tough because he’ll be gone for the holidays, but things get crazy around the holidays so that should keep me busy too. I’ve heard as homecoming gets closer, it actually gets worse because you’re so anxious but since I’ll be moving to Norfolk right before or shortly after he returns, hopefully all the stuff that goes into moving will keep me busy.

The moving stuff is what I’ve been trying to focus on. Figuring out what new stuff I’ll need to buy and all of that is a fun distraction. I’m trying not to do it all now, since there’s so much ahead of us, but I’ll admit I’ve made an IKEA wishlist. Will I be buying towels and plates at IKEA to take to Virginia? Probably not. But just thinking about little stuff like that makes me feel better. Anything to get me through this.